Here’s What No One Tells You About Sexual Refusal


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“Low Drive Holds The Reins”

“Near Sexless Marriage”

“Almost at my end”

Hello Grizzly Men,

Do the above titles sound like country western songs?  You would think that they are however they are not. 

They are thread titles from the Christian marriage forum “The Marriage Bed” and under the subject heading of “Sexually Refused.”

Sexual refusal is the most heart-wrenching and insidious situation any married couple can face.  While this blog is focused on the man’s view, I know (incredibly) that there are wives who are in this dark place too…Husbands who purposely refuse their wives when they want sex.  Wives, there are resources for you if you are experiencing this horror. (Wives, you can start HERE.)

Right now, I want to talk to the men…What do you do if you are married to a wife that sexually refuses you?  What do you do if the woman you love doesn’t want you, however, there are plenty of women (especially attractive co-workers) who are vying for your attention?  What do you do to handle the crushing pain of rejection of your advances?

Sexual refusal is (to be blunt) sin…If you go to The Marriage Bed forum, the subject is nestled under Sexual Sin.

Here are the reasons I find sexual refusal to be sin and needs to be addressed:

photography of gray and brown snake
Photo by Pete Johnson on

1. The Constricting Strain on the Marriage Is Devastating

Did you know that Brad R. Moon and Rita S. Metha (authors of “Biology of Boas and Pythons) discovered with their team the following:

The highest constricting pressure recorded by the team, 25 pounds per square inch, was generated by a boa constrictor that was about 7 feet in total length. The primary variable in constriction pressure is the thickness of the snake; doubling the diameter of a snake increases its constriction pressure by a factor of 2.6. (Source)

When the boa constrictor wraps around its prey, cardiac arrest happens to its victim.  Are you not surprised that Satan is called the serpent?  As a husband, you are feeling constricted by the pressure of considering a divorce because your wife is not willing to have sex with you.  You will start to hear whispers from the enemy that porn is a great substitute or finding a friend with benefits is the only option.  You will start to justify your thoughts which will lead to…

apple attractive beautiful beauty
Photo by Pixabay on

2. The Door of Temptation is Opened Wider

Now you are trying to be strong.  You are trying to think positive about your wife.  You start praying to God for His help.  You decide that you are going to see the good in your situation.  You try love letters.  You try flowers.  She even starts to shun these tokens of love or blantly ignores them.  You begin to think and start hearing the whispers again.  You want to try one more time so you try to initiate (even if you always are the one initiating sex).  She grumbles, “Not tonight, I’m so tired.”  You storm off in an internal rage and load up the computer because you can’t take it anymore.  You decide that you have had enough.  Time to set wicked things before your eyes.  Porn is your methadone that will heal this emotional pain.  However, porn only takes…it does not give.  This leads to…

adult anger angry angry face
Photo by Pixabay on

3. The Emotional Pain Will Culminate Into Bitterness

After you have indulged, you look at the clock and now it is 3:00 am.  You have to go to work at 6 am.  You go to bed doing your best not to touch her body that you crave so much.  When 6 am alarm blares, you peel yourself from the bed and do your morning rituals.  Your wife has breakfast prepared and you eat in silence as she talks about how well she slept.  The pain of refusal starts to morph into bitterness…You begin to…hate her.  You can’t stand to even look at her.  You can’t stand to be in her presence.  Doesn’t she know or even care that we haven’t had sex in months?  Why God did you let me marry this person? Why God am I still in this marriage?  You rush out of her presence because your thoughts are constricting you more…You got to get out…

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The Solution?

Sexual refusal is a poison that can destroy your marriage if you allow it.  The cure is to be willing to seek help.  Whether this help is talking to your Pastor…looking into counseling…getting an accountability partner to keep you committed to your vows.

You may be asking, “What if she doesn’t want to do counseling?”  Then I recommend taking care of yourself and your own mental health.  If not, the serpent will continue to constrict you and your marriage.

There are no easy answers for a situation like sexual refusal.  You are not alone and remember that your marriage is a covenant before God and not a contract.  Pray for your wife, rest in the Lord, and commit to improving yourself.  You will never know how God may work to turn around your situation for the better.


Are you currently in a marriage as a husband that is dealing with sexual refusal?  What are you doing currently to improve the situation? Post your thoughts below.

Resources To Help You As A Husband In A Sexless Marriage


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